It has been decided that the Mem and I should take a short holiday to recuperate from the stresses of our divergent realities. Thus, upon the weekend, we will be travelling together and in the company of understanding friends to our divergent destinations; she, the Mem, will be spending a pleasant week on the Northumbrian coast whilst I will be visiting Ganymede and testing the viability of the Struthius Warpdrive as well as seeking a suitable site for erecting the first Jovian system observatory which is currently taking shape in my back garden.
I have received a communication from my old friend and mentor Professor Premchandra (Omigosh) Chukkabhutti whose work in ultra low temperature physics has inspired the “Struthius Warpdrive”; he asks me to point out that should a failure occur* in the struthical containment field it will probably be due to the nails and poor quality glue that I have been forced to use as I ran out of screws - and not his design for the freezer unit!
He further points out that I have not made it clear that the nature of the “struthical” is so strange as it does not and cannot exist in nature and can only be described by a mathematical model involving the Clausius-Clapeyron equation modified by a string of sub-variable trans-ordinal Hamiltonians.
The good professor is due to visit India to lecture at the University of Jolliphur on his research into more efficient local climate control systems and will demonstrate the modified system fitted to his car.
We wish him well.
Well, there it is then, a week away existing in two mutually exclusive realities, the Mem in realis primus and I in realis hedonis. I’m buggered if I know where our friends will end up but that’s another day. I must sign off now as my cork leg has swollen due to the damp weather.
Sincerely, Klaus W. Schmellingpantz
* heaven forefend!!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
De profundis
In my previous communication it was mentioned that Struthius was facing a further charge - which is that he has lost his grip on reality! Now, this rather begs the question as to the nature of reality. I (change to 1st. person) submit that I have, over some 50 years, been able to take a different and more all-embracing view of the subject and having been, from early youth, made aware of the philosophy of David Hume, Bishop Berkeley and others of the idealist school of thought I am convinced of the mutability of reality and time; a view perhaps supported latterly by A.N. Whitehead.
Now, it is a fact that from an early age it became evident to me that nature had equipped me with a mediocre mind and a lack of physical fortitude which, being the case, meant that the chances of my living a life of any interest or significance was minimal.
It was the historian/philosopher Diogenes Laertius in the 2nd c. A.D who tells of the anchorite Onan Tosoffalotides, a follower of Simeon Stylites, who in order to gain insight into the nature of reality mortified his flesh for 37 years in the desert living off a diet of grubby chitinous creatures, mushrooms and cactus. By his 12th year of solitude, no doubt helped by his diet of cactus and mushrooms (Probably a species akin to psilocybe semilanceata) he found himself living on his pillar with a friend Angus who cooked for him 3 times a week a meal which amounted to a menu of Petit porc roti avec pommes de terre nouvelle et legumes du jour et biere glacee avec un gros figment de l’imagination.
Given, therefore, that the mutability of reality has worked for others I see no need to apologise for creating what Suetonius has called realis hedonis. It has enabled the oft beleaguered Struthius to lead an enviable and fascinating life.
In my early 20’s I was able to follow in the footsteps of Hanibal and then to visit the Dalai Lama who was still in Tibet.
I have fought as a mercenary in the Congo where I was held prisoner by the pygmie Fukawe tribe. I lost my left leg to an enraged crocodile and was only saved by the fact that a passing contingent of St. Johns Ambulance volunteers (Hasting’s Branch) happened to be carrying a cork prosthetic which they were able to fit after some gruesome surgery.
I have enjoyed a passionate relationship with Miss Shirley Eaton, Miss Deborah Kerr (dressed as a nun), Miss Julie Andrews (dressed as a nun), Miss Mariella Fostrup (dressed as a nun) and Mrs. Margaret Thatcher (dressed as a woman). I still remember the nights of carnal delight with Samantha (I’m sorry I haven’t a Clue)
I have, created a spacewarp drive following my discovery of a particle to which I have designated the name “struthical”. It possesses neither colour nor charm and unless contained within a force field will move in ever decreasing circles finally disappearing up its own fundament.
Finally, in addition to finding some use for the Clausius-Clapeyron equation I have solved Bodger’s last theorem!
Well, there we are, I rest my case.
Worrying, isn’t it?
Now, it is a fact that from an early age it became evident to me that nature had equipped me with a mediocre mind and a lack of physical fortitude which, being the case, meant that the chances of my living a life of any interest or significance was minimal.
It was the historian/philosopher Diogenes Laertius in the 2nd c. A.D who tells of the anchorite Onan Tosoffalotides, a follower of Simeon Stylites, who in order to gain insight into the nature of reality mortified his flesh for 37 years in the desert living off a diet of grubby chitinous creatures, mushrooms and cactus. By his 12th year of solitude, no doubt helped by his diet of cactus and mushrooms (Probably a species akin to psilocybe semilanceata) he found himself living on his pillar with a friend Angus who cooked for him 3 times a week a meal which amounted to a menu of Petit porc roti avec pommes de terre nouvelle et legumes du jour et biere glacee avec un gros figment de l’imagination.
Given, therefore, that the mutability of reality has worked for others I see no need to apologise for creating what Suetonius has called realis hedonis. It has enabled the oft beleaguered Struthius to lead an enviable and fascinating life.
In my early 20’s I was able to follow in the footsteps of Hanibal and then to visit the Dalai Lama who was still in Tibet.
I have fought as a mercenary in the Congo where I was held prisoner by the pygmie Fukawe tribe. I lost my left leg to an enraged crocodile and was only saved by the fact that a passing contingent of St. Johns Ambulance volunteers (Hasting’s Branch) happened to be carrying a cork prosthetic which they were able to fit after some gruesome surgery.
I have enjoyed a passionate relationship with Miss Shirley Eaton, Miss Deborah Kerr (dressed as a nun), Miss Julie Andrews (dressed as a nun), Miss Mariella Fostrup (dressed as a nun) and Mrs. Margaret Thatcher (dressed as a woman). I still remember the nights of carnal delight with Samantha (I’m sorry I haven’t a Clue)
I have, created a spacewarp drive following my discovery of a particle to which I have designated the name “struthical”. It possesses neither colour nor charm and unless contained within a force field will move in ever decreasing circles finally disappearing up its own fundament.
Finally, in addition to finding some use for the Clausius-Clapeyron equation I have solved Bodger’s last theorem!
Well, there we are, I rest my case.
Worrying, isn’t it?
Sunday, September 16, 2007
For better or for worse
It’s been a strange and difficult time in the Struthius household leading to tensions between the Mem and myself.
I have grown used over 40 years of marriage to dismissing Mrs. C’s moithers concerning her appearance and weight in a manner least likely to cause misunderstanding or offence. Thus, in response to the oft asked question, “Am I getting fat?” the wisest response is, “No dearest heart, of course not.”
Following, however, 2 rather large post prandial brandies I fell victim to that hiatus between brain and vocal apparatus that occurs following copious alcohol consumption and feeling in the playful mood that usually precedes unconsciousness responded, when the matter was yet again brought before me, by saying, “No of course not dearest however,.....and here lies the root of the problem,…. I am constantly amazed at how far the human skin will stretch.” Bad Mistake.
Now, and with the benefit of sobriety I realise that given the fact that the Mem had posed the question just prior to retiring and herself in a state of dishabille it was not a good time to attempt levity.
The ensuing barrage contained not only the usual restating of my foibles and failures but an attack on my current tendency to blog which, I learn, only goes to show the world at large what sort of idiot I am (she apparently has more than one category). After several minutes of unbroken criticism she concluded with comment on my alcohol consumption.… “You’ll carry on ‘till it kills you and I’ll be left a widow!”
I, reasonably, pointed out to her the axiomatic nature of the first part of this statement (unless of course she knows something that I don’t, perhaps there is an afterlife) followed by the incorrect assumption contained in the second part which is that I have within my gift the power to leave her something in my will that I don’t possess. What I can leave include, a collection of “Boys Own Comics,” followed by 3 dozen copies of, “Spick and Span” circa 1960 plus my photos of Miss Shirley Eaton both of which assisted me through the delights of night manipulation during puberty. There are my slide rules, one 6” flat and one circular (a reminder of our wedding day). What I cannot leave is a widow!
Time has, however, healed and I’ve been allowed back on the Babbage engine. During this week a further charge has been laid before me but I shall the sad details until the next blog.
I leave you with this thought, “in vino veritas”
Sincerely yours, P.J. Cobbledick
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