De profundis

In my previous communication it was mentioned that Struthius was facing a further charge - which is that he has lost his grip on reality! Now, this rather begs the question as to the nature of reality. I (change to 1st. person) submit that I have, over some 50 years, been able to take a different and more all-embracing view of the subject and having been, from early youth, made aware of the philosophy of David Hume, Bishop Berkeley and others of the idealist school of thought I am convinced of the mutability of reality and time; a view perhaps supported latterly by A.N. Whitehead.

Now, it is a fact that from an early age it became evident to me that nature had equipped me with a mediocre mind and a lack of physical fortitude which, being the case, meant that the chances of my living a life of any interest or significance was minimal.

It was the historian/philosopher Diogenes Laertius in the 2nd c. A.D who tells of the anchorite Onan Tosoffalotides, a follower of Simeon Stylites, who in order to gain insight into the nature of reality mortified his flesh for 37 years in the desert living off a diet of grubby chitinous creatures, mushrooms and cactus. By his 12th year of solitude, no doubt helped by his diet of cactus and mushrooms (Probably a species akin to psilocybe semilanceata) he found himself living on his pillar with a friend Angus who cooked for him 3 times a week a meal which amounted to a menu of Petit porc roti avec pommes de terre nouvelle et legumes du jour et biere glacee avec un gros figment de l’imagination.

Given, therefore, that the mutability of reality has worked for others I see no need to apologise for creating what Suetonius has called realis hedonis. It has enabled the oft beleaguered Struthius to lead an enviable and fascinating life.

In my early 20’s I was able to follow in the footsteps of Hanibal and then to visit the Dalai Lama who was still in Tibet.

I have fought as a mercenary in the Congo where I was held prisoner by the pygmie Fukawe tribe. I lost my left leg to an enraged crocodile and was only saved by the fact that a passing contingent of St. Johns Ambulance volunteers (Hasting’s Branch) happened to be carrying a cork prosthetic which they were able to fit after some gruesome surgery.

I have enjoyed a passionate relationship with Miss Shirley Eaton, Miss Deborah Kerr (dressed as a nun), Miss Julie Andrews (dressed as a nun), Miss Mariella Fostrup (dressed as a nun) and Mrs. Margaret Thatcher (dressed as a woman). I still remember the nights of carnal delight with Samantha (I’m sorry I haven’t a Clue)

I have, created a spacewarp drive following my discovery of a particle to which I have designated the name “struthical”. It possesses neither colour nor charm and unless contained within a force field will move in ever decreasing circles finally disappearing up its own fundament.

Finally, in addition to finding some use for the Clausius-Clapeyron equation I have solved Bodger’s last theorem!

Well, there we are, I rest my case.

Worrying, isn’t it?