Sunt sua cuique vitia !

It has often been said of Struthius that he has achieved failure without the need to exert effort. For some it is necessary to strive but for others (including Struthius) it is as natural as breathing.

I have pointed out to my detractors on many occasions that were it not for failure then there would be no point in success and that were it not for failure then life would be the poorer.

The author Mr. Stephen Pile was able to see that failure can be, and often is, heroic; a sentiment with which I wholeheartedly concur.

Since my early youth I have held in high esteem 3 persons who have achieved singular failure and I make no apology for bringing these wonderful people to the attention of my readers, (if I have any).

William Topaz McGonagall 1825 -1902 aspiring poet and actor

If ever a man can be said to be completely unaware it was McGonagall; indeed, his degree of self-belief borders on genius. His magnum opus is generally agreed to be his poem based on the Tay Bridge disaster of 1879
which starts,

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath of 1879
Which will be remember’d for a very long time

The poem contains the memorable couplet,

And the Cry rang out all around the town
Good heavens! The Tay Bridge has blown down.

As an actor he also achieved fame as the worst Macbeth ever. In a theatre in Dundee during a performance of the tragedy he, fearing that the actor playing Macduff was intent on upstaging him, refused to die when stabbed by Macduff and kept the scene going for so long that the management finally had to bring down the curtain much to the delight of the audience.
In 1892, following the death of Alfred Lord Tennyson he walked from Dundee to Balmoral in atrocious weather (60) miles to personally ask Queen Victoria for the appointment of Poet laureate.

He was turned away and had to walk back home.

Florence Foster Jenkins 1868 – 1944 aspiring soprano

American born Miss Foster Jenkins was to music what Hitler was to Mother Theresa. Heiress, born of a wealthy family she was so obsessed by self-belief that she failed entirely to acknowledge (or understand) the rules of musical notation. Her dreadful performances were only matched by her flamboyance. Often appearing on stage with a rose in the teeth, (which did nothing to improve her voice) or carrying a basket of roses which she would hurl into the audience (sometimes with the basket) she presented an awe inspiring spectacle of inappropriateness.

Her voice, once described by a music critic as the “sound of a distressed cockerel” together with her refusal or inability to stay in one key (occasionally the key intended by the composer) and, therefore, only rarely coinciding with that being played by her accompaniment made her a favourite amongst audiences. On her farewell performance at the Carnegie Hall in October 1944 she disappointed her audience by starting with 3 correct notes but was soon back on form by abandoning stave, pitch and key and ending her concert so far from the orchestra (musically speaking) that she received a standing ovation!

Pedro Carolino 19c aspiring phrase book writer

My personal hero! In 1883 he compiled an English-Portugese phrasebook despite having no knowledge of English. He had a slight understanding of French so circumvented his linguistic shortcomings by translating Portuguese first into French by means of a Portuguese-French dictionary then from French into English via a French dictionary. The results border yet again on genius.

English as she is spoke

The first part contains familiar phrases for use by the Portuguese traveller to England e.g.

I have mind to vomit
He go to four feet
That pond it seems me multiplied of fishes
Dress your hairs
Undress you to
Exculpate me by your brother’s
She make the prude
He has tost his all good

He then moves on to useful dialogues? E.g.

For to ride a horse: “Here is a horse who have bad looks. Give me another. I will not that. He not sall know to march, he is pursy he is foundered. Don’t you are ashamed to give me jade as like? He is undshoed, he is with nails up.

Under anecdotes he gives us one guaranteed to enthral any listener.

“One eyed was laied against a man which had good eyes that he saw better than him. The party was accepted. I had gain, over said the one eyed; why I se you two eyes and you not look me who one.”

Under proverbs and idioms we have,

Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss.
He eat to coaches.
A take is better than two you shall have.
The stone that roll not heap up not foam.

Pedro leaves us with this gem

“To craunch a marmoset”

If you are still with me, thanks. Isn’t failure wonderful?

Sincerely,

Artemus Pratt