Struthius in the City

From the Book of Struthius.
Struthius in the wilderness of Brum. Ch.1 V.1

And it came to pass that on the sixth day the Mem spake unto Struthius saying,

“Behold the season of Joy and Tinsel approaches, therefore, let us to the city and the highways and byways of the bazaars and souks, wherein, dwell the purveyors of jolly festive junk that we may buy merry presents for friends and family.”

And Struthius upon hearing these words fell into a deep anguish and called upon the God of copulation and misfortune crying,

“Oh Fuck please not Christmas shopping again!”

But Fuck heard him not and so with a heavy heart did he go forth with the Mem upon whom lay heavy the Spirit of commerce.

And in the hours that passed did Struthius spend many years gathering unto him much festive junk so that he became laden as an ass and hung like a donkey. And the time drew nigh when the Mem wearied of her time in the city and said,

“We are grown weary of our labours and it is time to leave the highways and byways of commerce let us therefore repair to our own land and sweet refreshment.”

Upon hearing these words did Struthius, now grown old and round shouldered beneath his burden, offer thanks to the God saying,

“Thank Fuck for small mercies!”

But Fuck again cocked a deaf one to the trials of his servant and in the fullness of time the Mem and Struthius fell amongst the distributers of good news and religious tracts.

Now a certain man, a shitite of malodorous presence and upon whom shone the light of the happy simpleton, accosted the Mem and Struthius saying,

“Friends do you believe in eternity?”

And Struthius, now fallen prey to foul mood, walked past the simpleton saying to the Mem,

“Ignore the prat for he will delay our journey and my knuckles are grazed by the sidewalks as my arms are greatly extended.”

But the Mem took pity on the poor simpleton and urged Struthius to respond. And Struthius wearied by his labours replied thus,

“Verily I say unto you I have been joined with this woman for more than forty years and if that does not constitute an eternity then I know not what does.”

The righteous simpleton was, upon hearing these words, disconcerted and addressed the Mem thus, saying,

“Are you not offended by the words of your spouse?”

The Mem, upon considering this question, fell silent as befits one who wishes not to further inflame a fraught situation.

Then the malodorous simpleton turn back to Struthius and asked,

“Do you believe in your soul.”

And Struthius now thoroughly pissed responded thus, saying,

“Good simpleton, to which do you refer, Arse or Immortal?”

Upon hearing these words the righteous simpleton fell into a state of great discombnaculation and raising his hand heavenward declared that to mock ones soul was to condemn Struthius to an eternity in hell.

Upon hearing the warning Struthius responded thus, asking,

“Shall I save my soul so that I might spend eternity with likes of you for I say unto you that I would rather spend eternity walking the highways and byways of this commercial centre with my scrotum and its contents removed with a hacksaw and the sharp end of a pineapple inserted in my rectum!”

Then the Mem fell upon the hapless Struthius and belaboured him with harsh words and demanded that Struthius look kindly on the righteous simpleton and offer up words of apology.
But Struthius, now driven to near distraction by his year in the wilderness of Brum, heeded not the discomfiture of the Mem nor the confusion of the righteous fool and proceeded upon his journey

And in the fullness of time did a great silence fall upon the house of Struthius.

For it is written that there is a calm before the storm!