Beware, the Eurocrapper cometh!

Dear reader, it had not been my intention to hold forth on lavatorial matters, but a recent incident* compels me speak out.

Bear with me as I set the scene.

In February, during this year of grace, Struthius, ever compliant with family wishes, found himself incarcerated within the confines of a European style leisure compound; an erstatz environment surrounding an overlarge greenhouse.

In the concrete cell block to which family and I had been directed there existed a strange insanitary device apparently, intended for use as a W.C. Now, most God-fearing English folk will know that the standard W.C. consists of a pedestal bowl and seat and, directly under the seat, water.

Under the seat of this lavatorial porcelain was a concave shelf the purpose of which was to catch the steaming contents of the user’s bowel and/or urinary tract where it lies stinking prior to later flushing. It came as no surprise to Struthius to discover that this device was of European design and manufacture.

* The recent incident

Mr. Michael Palin (sometime Python, traveller, presenter and writer) in a recently televised trip to the expanded Europe visited the former East German city of Dresden where he visited a large porcelain factory now given over to manufacturing Eurobogs; a sad comment on the city’s former manufacturing glory.

When questioned by M. Palin on the reason for placing a shelf just beneath the shitter’s arse an apparently surprised guide explained that this is what most Europeans now expect.

It turns out that Euroshitters, particularly the older ones, feel driven (for health reasons!) to examine their freshly evacuated poo.

At this point the minds of most right thinking people will, for the preservation of sanity, close down or go on vacation. The mind of Struthius is, however, made of sterner stuff and has allowed him to pursue this matter.

What in God’s name are they looking for, diamonds, emeralds or just pearls of socio/political Euro-wisdom that they can send to the Common Market Commissioners in Brussels for use in future mindless edicts?

Do the elderly (and young) of Europe really stoop over the lavatorial china mumbling and drooling after each bowel movement entranced by the sight of their steaming faeces? Do they congratulate themselves on presentation and colour?

Perhaps they sort through it in the hopes of finding enlightenment or ano-mystical divination through splatter pattern or disposition of the turds?

Are the people of Britain going to be required to follow this Eurofad, this anal preoccupation which Struthius has always considered to be a prerequisite of Continentals i.e. anyone east of Grimsby and south of The Isle of Wight?

Will we each soon be required by Euro-edict to be in the possession of a Eurocrapper and Home Poo Pathology Kit for full analysis of each and every stool?

These and many more questions arise in the mind of Struthius.

Oh, how I wish that that crapulous organ playing yachtsman politician who greased Britain’s entry into the Common Market (or whatever it’s called today) had had the foresight to see the consequences of his action.

Sincerely,

Alponse Ulysses Crapnasti

To come:-

Struthius and the men in black.

Being a paranoiac epistemological examination of the universe