The lamentations of Struthius (struthio camelus)

A reply to “Biddster” ref. Jovian real estate.

You show great foresight in wishing to invest off-world. I cannot, however, recommend Ganymede for golf for I fear that your balls will freeze. In addition, the containment field that you mention will, given the current state of development, be insufficient to support a large enough area to allow the proficient golfer to drive his balls further than 120 metres. You, I feel sure, will appreciate that to support a containment field using the struthical particle will require a greater energy output than is currently available. The 12 v. car battery that I can carry on board “The Ostrich” coupled with the solar panels designed by Miss 7 of 9 can only support a Putting Green. You may be interested in the fact that I shall shortly be undertaking a further trip to Mars where I believe I shall be able to offer suitable land for sale at the base of Olympus Mons.

I must point out that interest in my Mars mission is being shown by a Mr Quark (pictured above) who is already offering 300 bars of gold latinum/acre for a site around Olympus Mons in order to build a Gambling House and bar (subject to planning permission). Replying to your question concerning the transportation of your clubs Miss 7 of 9 assures me that she will happily accommodate your niblik, driver etc. in her hammock. She failed to mention your balls. I enclose a further picture of my travelling companion aboard “The Ostrich.”

I should say that 7 of 9 is, perhaps, of Scandinavian origin bearing the surname Borg but is not, apparently, related to the tennis player. She assures me that the Borg family (they appear to be a pretty bright lot) have the technology required to terraform Mars and she intends to write to them for more information. I shall, therefore, after my next Mars mission, be in a better position to advise you further on the matter of investment. Confidentially, I feel a little uneasy about Mr. Quark and his business ethic which is based on the Ferengian “Rules of Acquisition.” Whatever they are!

In conclusion I would again further address myself to “Junket” ref. my shaky monopod. Miss 7 has examined my current support and feels that with a little manipulation she can probably make it more rigid. As she points out she won’t have to open her legs so wide in order to steady it. Bright girl!

All suggestions gratefully received.

Sincerely, Diogenes A. Twatt.